I remember I used to be a very shy kid. So shy that I normally didn’t play around too much just in case I did something wrong. I was the one walking close to my parents when some other families had to keep looking for little demons to do the unexpected. I remember that little kid in the beach, playing alone with a ball. Too shy to ask a kids’ group if I could join them. And my father by my side saying… ‘Ashamed of asking? Shame is the worst thing that can happen to you in life Javi’.
Then it was this young fella’, much shorter than the rest of his class. He just wanted to be as tall as possible. And it wasn’t until he was 16 that he realized a few things with respect to his physical aspect.
This guy that loved summers, that wouldn’t date girls because he was too busy with his friends and end up in a fairly long relationship just because it was comfortable. It took him a while to understand what love meant. And he realized a few things at a time. Life, expectations, world, worms, travels and some other stuff.
That period, I believe, forged what I would become to be. Never lost my shyness, specially for accountable feeling things, and never lost my incapacity to share stuff. Important stuff. But something I am proud of is that I learned from what I suffered. And I am trying to mitigate it as much as I can.
And of course I have gone through crazy times, when the only important thing was to get out, get drunk, explore my limits and some others’ limits. Pushing too much and some other times too little.
Caminante no hay camino. Se hace camino al andar.
Looking back it is unavoidable to be ashamed of some of the persons I have been. And I guess that’s part of the process. I will do my best not to repeat those. And you learn as well from the signs in your way. Generically you realize that a situation that hurt you came preceded by so many clues. And now you ask yourself why the hell you didn’t notice. The task now is to understand those, foresee them. And sometimes that means being too cautious, too conservative. I know that if the goal is important enough I will not care about them and will run directly to the wall. But that will be my choice.
And I picture myself many times with suitcases, somehow excited about the place where my steps were leading, and lately afraid of what I am leaving behind. I am forcing myself not to play around things. My plans never come out as planned.
There is no easy solution when it comes to make a decision. There are grey, thousands of grey, that you have to translate to black and white to be sure you can decide. And every decision comes with a price.
I was that guy that quit the funniest job ever for somebody. And I am the guy that processed a million grey just to make a decision that he’s still not sure it was the right one. Or he is, which is even more scary.
Las tardes de domingo, que pesan como años
And I am the one that wasn’t trusted, and came out successful. I some senses I don’t have to prove anything to myself, which is the most important thing. And as the days pass by I appreciate that more and more. But I also now that the person I have been needs the carrot. That person is his own stick.