Life is an unexpected change. Or it is as per my recent experiences. When I believed it would turn one way, it went exactly the opposite. It is a real pity (or maybe it isn’t) that I was right in only ‘that’ thing. Quite disappointed…
Anyhow, I really thought this time I was doing things right. Even if I wasn’t 100% sure, my signals were revealing themselves. I could see them. Self talking, unquiet sleeps, quite clear day dreams… And so I said, and so I was answered. Even after ‘the thing I was right’ I was asked for a confirmation. And I did confirm. And as a third derivative, I was asked, and I did, after a while, came back the same way. Yes, I wanna go back. I wanna go home.
And so I planned. And so I passed a (difficult) stage of my life, and risked for the next one. And my mind was already planning for my Sundays in La Latina, my runs in Madrid Rio, my visits to the labyrinth of Pozuelo and my steps to Atocha. Everything among so many stuff that I missed (and still miss) so much.
But again, life had a different plan for me. And sometimes you just don’t know if it is that you are forced someway or you don’t push back enough. But the fact is that I didn’t I guess. And so I found myself in a situation where there were so many factors pulling in different directions, so many political decisions, so many possibilities in my head that I couldn’t control. How the fuck I got there! I was trying to do all this shit the right way remember? But there is not the right way.
And I guess somehow I have to feel lucky. The place looks great, the position is unbeatable, the options are limitless… And I can’t stop thinking about what I am missing and what I am not having.
It’s also funny how in such situations some people rise up to help you out. True people I mean. A valuable opinion was quite simple (Love you Lola, hope you recover soon, you are almost there),
Just don’t try to compare which one of the two options is better. You will never reach a decision. Think on what you are missing. If that is not affordable, don’t do it. If you doubt, go and get it.
And, of course, family and C where priceless. Being C probably the most comprehensive person in the world. Suffering my decisions, supporting me all way long and giving me the necessary comfort even in the most difficult circumstances. There are certain tests in life where you pass or not. If this is the case, you passed. No doubt. I love you so much…
And in the moment you realize you will leave for sure it starts kind of a twister… A twister that rarely stops and ends up with your person, two suitcases and an airport. But in those little moments that you can just isolate yourself from the fast reality moving around you you take a deep breath and walk around. Go through those daily routes that you have made constantly in these years, a coffee in the Analog or the Gravity, a night walk in the 17th Ave., an afterwork beer in the crappy Black Cat, a run following the Bow and a last visit to Inglewood. And you start realizing how much it has meant to you. How much you have grown as a person, normally implying some suffering as well. And if you feel nostalgic in advance that is a good sign. It means you will miss the place. That you have been happy and will always keep it as one of those charming places that meant something special for you. And they will take a place in that little warm corner of your heart together with SF, NYC, Mostoles or Colmenar… Cause them all meant something. In different circumstances and for different reasons. But there they are. All together.
And so you go to the airport. And you say goodbye. And you realize that even if you have to (theoretically) return, it will never be the same. Cause:
En Kumala comprendí, que al lugar donde has sido feliz no debieras tratar de volver
And for some reason you are in that new place. It is strange to pack when you are not going back home. It’s somehow… Hopeless. It is not the same. It is facing the unexpected again, not being sure of how long that would be or how you will perform. It is feeling uncomfortable, out of you natural place, in an strange location and not being sure of what you have to do and how in the hell you are going to do it.
And I don’t know how this will end up. I guess I will survive. One way or another. Longer or shorter. Keeping Texas in my heart or not. But, what the hell… HERE WE GO!… Again.